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[22 Nov 2007|12:38am] |
hi .
i'm too honest to make people ever feel any better about anything in their lives.
askjdlas.
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[21 Sep 2007|08:30pm] |
Okay, so I've picked a major...
What now?
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| so my life. |
[14 Sep 2007|06:38pm] |
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Things are going pretty well right now in my life.
Sure, I'm pretty much defeated by the weather right now, so my nose is stuffy and my tummy is achey and my head is constantly pounding, but that'll go away soon enough.
With the exception of Calculus, this school year is looking pretty hopeful. All of my classes are pretty fun, and choir is sounding pretty dang good. It's a bummer that we're probably not going to Disney though... I was really looking forward to that, especially with it being my senior year, y'know? Maybe I can round up a few friends and we can go down there for Spring Break anyway. Or maybe i can be like, a roadie for the band or orchestra. Who knows. But we've got an actual guy section in choir now! WHOA! AND they sound pretty nifty. I'm excited.
Whoa, I got side tracked.
Anyway, Psychology is pretty sweet, English is gonna be super easy since I dropped A.P., Career Connection is supposed to be a piece of cake, and I'm in love with French. My name in there is Renee. Oh cute. And TylerKUH's in that class with me! Haha, his name's Jean-Pierre. Love it.
Made a friend named Brandon who looks like Jesse Lacey- he's a pretty cool kid. Derek and I are doing pretty well. Mannie and I are getting to be really close. I've found a lot of trust in me for Alli. I miss Joshie a lot though... this whole seeing him like, once or twice a week part kinda sucks. But yeah. I'm going to the Unlike Tomorrow show with him and Rik [I think?], Derek's gonna be there and Brandon might be. Should be good times.
Mom switched to third shift so it's a bit different for us. Like, I'll be getting ready to go to bed and she'll be leaving, and when I'm getting ready to leave in the morning, she's just walking in. But she seems to be enjoying it, so that's cool.
I'm getting things back on track with God, and that's amazing. :]
Aaand... yeah.
That's about it.
:]
Other than this sickness, life is good.
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| Poem for English class... |
[06 Sep 2007|08:51pm] |
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I am from the raw and overly aborted womb of my mother. I am from the hands of a doctor who swore they should name me "Miracle", because he'd never seen such a small child live through prostagladin. I am from a father who wanted to name me Sarah Jessica, and an aunt who though I'd grow up and be trampy if I was named as such. I am from the legs of a five year wold that wanted to walk the runway like a supermodel, that haven't since stopped, and a vocal box that hasn't stopped singing since it learned how. I am from a sister who tried to "disappear" me on my first Halloween.
She was a witch that year.
I was an angel.
She's now one of my best friends.
I am from the dirty streetsof the Phillipines, in schools where I was too pale... too chubby... too American to belong. I am from the streets of New York and the lights of Broadway where my heart belongs. I am from country roads where the fireflies and stars belong. I am from a house I've lived in all but two years of my life, and quite honestly-
I'm still not sure where I belong.
I am from boyfriends who didn't love me and the arms of one green eyed angel who really does. I am from the teary voiced phone calls from best friends, and the 4AM "pep-walks" down town, and the midnight runs to Wal*Mart. I am from all the hundreds of dollars spent- not wasted- on gas and Starbucks with the Brat Pack. I am from the conducting baton and encouragment of my choir director. I am from the love in God's hands- and I've never understood how He can possibly still love me after how badly I've messed up-
but He does.
I am from angry nights of, "You're such a fucking CUNT." and mornings full of kisses and apologies on napkins and post-it notes. I am from car rides full of, "You'll never be good enough."; dreams crushed with, "You'll never be pretty enough."; a concious drenched in, "You'll never be talented enough."
I am from, "You'll never be enough."
I am from one sleepy night that replied with, "Who's Mars and Venus?" and the laughter that proceeded. I am from a step-father who wishes me luck before I jump in the shower. I am from baby brothers who say, "I feel SO much better." instead of "Excuse me." I am from a father who constantly inspires me to keep singing, because I know that once the blackness in his lungs settles in, he won't be able to anymore-
and I've never told him that.
I am from "make your own breakfast, biotch!" and "Get your own!" and the smiles and cereal bars proceeding. I am from "American" nights of pizza and burgers and potatoes and steaks. I am from "Filipino" nights of lumpia and veggies and adobo and rice. I am from "let me make dinner!" nights of tofu burgers, salads, macaroni and cheese, and T.V. dinners. I am from mini-corndogs that were nuked into jerky because she thought "conventional oven" meant "convenience of the microwave". I am from turkey on Thanksgiving that was far too dry for consumption, but everyone ate it- for grandma's sake.
That year, I was thankful for being a vegetarian.
I am from a soul that aches for the Lord. I am from a heart that yearns to love. I am from legs that are still far too short for the runway, but eyes that still sparkle with hope. I am from a skull too thick and a head too strong to allow the errors in my life tear me down. I am from the barbed wire covered walls around me that are slowly beginning to deteriorate beneath the breath of this world. I am from the smiles I flash at sad looking, unexpecting strangers, and the hope that it makes their day just a little bit brighter. I am from a quick temper and a short fuse, but a flame that only lasts a moment.
I.
I am.
I am from.
I am from fear.
I am.
I am from.
I am from music.
I am from.
I am from love.
I am from love.
I am from... I am from.
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| unfold me, i am small... |
[29 Aug 2007|10:14am] |
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I almost let Derek go yesterday.
I'm just cracking under all of the drama that is coming with our relationship. All of the jealous girls, and not knowing whether he's lying to me or not. But honestly, how am I supposed to feel when I hear from someone who has NO reason to lie to me, that he told her that he's single? This isn't the first time it's happened. It's always his word against like, the world's.
I can deal with all the little girls that want him, and who wrap themselves in their jealousy when they see me wrapped up in his arms.
I can deal with that, and the fake little ones that approach me, asking if him and I are still dating.
What I CAN'T deal with is my intuition telling me that I'm constantly setting myself up for disaster.
I feel like I'm constantly taking chances, and falling. I can't always fall as gracefully as I have.
I don't understand.
Jealous girls are terrible things. I have ex-boyfriends who want me back who wouldn't even DREAM of causing this much trouble.
Do you all not have hearts? Honestly? Are you lacking so much of a life that you find enjoyment in ruining peoples relationships?
I told him last night that I can only handle being kicked in the throat so many times.
I treated him like hell yesterday, wouldn't tell him I loved him, telling him to all me back when he decided he has something to say. What scares me is that I didn't FEEL any of it. His mom called me while I was out to dinner with my parents, and told me that he was crying.
What am I supposed to think? Really? How am I supposed to feel, knowing that he was crying?
It was somewhere between, "Haha, I hope you're hurting." and "What did I DO?"
It's just that because of this whole thing, I feel so small. Like the little girl who gets bent out of shape so easily, who breaks just as quickly. You guys know that that isn't me. I've always been the one to stand my ground, the one who won't admit that I need anybody so much. I admitted to Allison yesterday that I really, honestly feel incredibly insecure about myself now. I told Derek that I don't feel like I'm enough anymore. And they both jumped on me and were like, "wtfJESS." y'know? But I don't know. I feel so small. So insignificant. But at the same itme, so apathetic. I just don't CARE. I don't have it in me. Even up to now, I'm just... blank. I don't know.
But I can't eat and I can barely sleep, at the same time.
I don't care how emo you think all of this sounds. Go over there, and out of my face. I don't want to hear it. "Jessie Parker is breaking? Whaaat!?"
If that's all you have to say, then eat and try and remember what it feels like to be broken. You know you've been here, too.
I'm not asking for help. I don't know what I want, or what I'm trying to accomplish by posting this publicly. I really don't. I really really don't. I just need to let this all out.
We're hanging out today, and I'm imagining a lot of crying, probably some yelling. Then more crying.
I told him last night that I almost let him go as soon as I heard about it.
He told me that if I had, he'd come back on his hands and knees.
And that he would, no matter what. Every time. And that he'd always be here to put me back together.
If I didn't have my friends to hold me together yesterday I don't think I would have made it through the day as easily. So thank you guys. So much. Even the ones who were just there to relay information- you guys are awesome. I love you.
This is all I've got.
I suppose that when/ if everything gets fixed, I'll let you guys know what's up. But as for right now, I'm just kind of hovering.
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